Carl's Jr. Rip Off Burger

Don't worry Carl's Jr., the joke's on me isn't it? Bastards.

OK, so I made this...

It's a hamburger with guacamole, pepper jack cheese, tomato and onion, wrapped in a lettuce leaf. It was copied from inspired by a Six Dollar Low Carb burger I'd gotten from Carl's Jr. (that's what yankees call Hardy's). I'd thought I was doing so well. It was low carb. No bun. Paleo. Diet. Yes? NO!

I was curious about how many calories were in it, because it was as big as my head. I had decided to make them at home (much smaller) and see how many calories I could shave off.

Do you know how many calories are in those damned things?!

810.

Jebus, that's insane.

My version used 5 oz. of 85% lean meat, was much smaller AND I skipped the bacon and still wound up with a 550 calorie burger! The guac was about 110 of that and the cheese was 90. You take away the guac and cheese and it's just a damn patty with lettuce, tomato and onion. Dammit.

Well, I won't be making any more of these. I do wish I'd added up the calories BEFORE making this for a second time this week! Oh well.

Cinderella

Yeah, this is not about food. I grilled steak. It was good, but not particularly exciting, so I'm doing this.

So I'm reading Cinderella to my son tonight and I realize that I'm getting pissed and I'm not really sure why. It's a classic story, everyone loves it. Has anyone actually thought about it? Really? If I had a daughter I would NEVER read this story to her, except as a cautionary tale.

Let's break it down.

This girl is trapped in a dismal situation because her parents split up and then abandoned her with step people who don't love her. But don't worry kids, I'm sure YOUR parents will never split up. Oh wait, statistically speaking, they probably will. Yeah, you're fucked, worry about that now.

Moving on..

If you do find yourself in dire circumstances and hate your life, just sit around and do nothing. I'm totally sure a magic being will happen along and change your life for you. I mean, in the story this fairy shows up to solve Cindy's problems and gives her what? a trust fund? a fabulous education? a loving family who will help her find her way? No. She gets a hot outfit, a fly (rented) ride and directions to the club. Shit.

So Cindy gets there, shakes her shit and gets the Prince's attention. He falls in love. What? Did they have long meaningful conversations about spirituality? life goals? morals and beliefs? Nope. They danced. WTF?

All he knows about this trick is that she knows how to work a slutty outfit and has the tiniest feet in the land. Body issues, anyone?

All she knows about him is that he is a shallow, superficial douchebag who doesn't give a rat's furry ass about her feelings or opinions as long as she looks good on his arm. She also knows that he's rich and powerful so it's worth whatever hell he puts her through because at the "end" of the story she'll get a fabulous wedding which will make the other girls jealous and she gets to live in a big fancy house.

So she lives happily ever fucking after looking pretty and keeping her stupid mouth shut (which she deserves because she's a twat).

Also, Prince Charming is gay. No straight man is that fucking impressed by clothes.

Japanese Steak House Salad

Japanese steak houses are so awesome. The little tiny miso soup and ginger salad appetizers they bring you are just about my favorite part (after the grilled scallops). I found a recipe for ginger dressing in a Disney cookbook which features recipes from the restaurants in Epcot. You can laugh at my Mickey Mouse cookbook if you want, but it's honestly one of the best cookbooks I own. So there.

Anyway, here is my recipe which is adapted (by which I mean pretty much copied verbatim) from that book. Enjoy!

Japanese Steak House Ginger Dressing

1 large piece ginger root, peeled and chopped

1/2 onion, chopped

1 1/2 cups light olive oil

1/2 cup vinegar (I used white wine vinegar but plain is fine)

1 cup tamari sauce (soy is fine but less paleo)

1/2 Tbs tomato paste

1/2 Tbs lemon juice

1/2 clove garlic

1/2 cup water

Toss it all in a blender and pulverize.

Pork chops with Pineapple Salsa

This is all that is left of TWO whole pineapples I bought yesterday. I bought the first one because I wanted to try this salsa recipe, but it didn't survive. I knew husbeast was doin' some damage to it, but I figured I could count on him to save at least 1 cup of it for me. That was before we urged weebeastie to try a bite. It took a while to persuade him to try it, but then he started devouring it and there was no hope left for my salsa.

I made a second trip to the grocery store just for pineapple. It didn't last the night. If I hadn't had the foresight to hide the cup of it that I needed, we would be salsa-less. And after all that trouble, I don't even like the damned salsa. Boo.

Husbeast loves it, swears he could eat it all day. I don't care for it, but I guess I should have seen that coming. I don't usually like things to be sweet AND spicy. One or the other please. If you're into it though, here's the recipe...

1 cup chopped fresh pineapple

8 diced dried apricots

2 Tbs. diced red onion

2 Tbs. diced cilantro

1/4 tsp grated lime zest

2 Tbs. lime juice

1 finely diced sorrano pepper

Mix, chill, blah. (I mean serve.)

The pork is a lion that I sliced into thick medallions, sprinkled with a mixture of salt, pepper and chili powder, brushed with olive oil and then grilled for about 8 minutes. (I didn't even overcook them, which is a real feat for me.)

Next up, we have the yams. Hell yeah.

I just took a large can of yams (drained and rinsed the light syrup off), melted some butter in a skillet, threw some raisins, shredded coconut and chopped almonds in there and fried that for a minute or so, then added the yams and cooked until warmed through. No sugar added - perfect without any. Oh yeah, cinnamon and allspice, dash of salt. Easy.

Birthday Fail

See that? That mess right there is the result of about 700 hours of work on my part. (Facts may be slightly exaggerated for effect).

So the idea was to make an almost paleo (or primal actually) type of dessert for my son's 7th birthday. I meant to make enough for him to have a party at school and also for a party we had later with friends. I decided to make little individual cupcakes instead of one pie, because it would be a lot more work and I'm an idiot. I estimated that I would need approximately 1 metric ass ton of cupcake thingies (or maybe it was 21, a lot either way) but I was determined to provide something fabulous for these parties.

It was particularly important for the school party because I had been bitching (politely of course) all year about the obscene amounts of sugary carbs served to the kids in wee-beastie's class. Honestly, they are served things like marshmallows, cheese puffs and brownies everyday. They get cupcakes once a week already, it wouldn't even be special to get cupcakes for a birthday party so what's the damn point?

So I altered a recipe I liked the sound of - Strawberry Bavarian Pie - which was made with strawberries, whipped cream, gelatin and sugar. I decreased the amount of sugar (it called for 1 cup, I used 1/2) and increased the amount of gelatin slightly (and used unflavored because it's paleo) and viola, a half-assed paleo recipe. The recipe already included a totally primal crust of coconut and butter.

I thought it was genius.

I may have been wrong.

The crusts turned out fine.

Just fill them with the strawberry mixture, chill for a few hours and top with homemade whipped cream. Yum.

The problem is that the damn things DO NOT come out of the pan. Instead of giving up like a normal person when the first batch exploded into flames when I tried to pry them out, I tried again. I buttered the hell out of the pan, then added the butter laden coconut (starting to question the healthiness of this now) and baked them again, and again they did not come out in one piece.

I think if I had one of those fancy silicone cupcake pan things, maybe it would've worked out. I did try one other thing, I made a pie in a spring-form pan (no pics, sorry) and it worked out OK. I took it to the party and made our friends eat it because after all that work, somebody was eating it damn it!

I bought cupcakes from a store for the school party. I've never been so ashamed.

Round 1 of the paleo birthday celebrations have defeated me, but the next birthday (mine) is in August so I have 2 months to come up with something better. Stay tuned.

Gumbo

Oh yeah, blogging. I forgot. Apparently somebody actually reads this thing because I have been yelled at for neglecting it (hi mom!). So, here we go...

mmm, gumbo. See, this is the kind of thing I like to do. I'm not running all over hell's half acre looking for obscure ingredients to make some blasphemous concoction that I will call "pizza" in the hopes that my brain will accept it as pizza. Nope. If I want pizza, I'll go to Costco and get a slice of freakin' pizza. To hell with it.

If I'm cooking, I want real actual food. Things that are nearly paleo already (or close enough) and just need a little tweaking to be perfect.

Like gumbo.

This is really just regular old gumbo. Recipes vary as far as thickeners are concerned, most use a roux (not acceptable) but some use File (didn't have any) and some just use the okra slime (bingo). I could also have used arrowroot, but it didn't really need it.

So here it is...

In a large pot, brown diced onion, bell pepper, celery and a bay leaf in some coconut oil.

In a separate pan, brown some smoked sausage, remove from pan and add diced chicken for a few minutes to brown the chicken a little (it will not be done).

Throw the chicken in with the onion mixture, add some chicken broth, thawed okra, canned tomatoes (with juice) and add to taste the following:

red pepper flakes

turmeric

thyme

oregano

salt/pepper

cayenne pepper

tabasco

Cover and simmer on low until the chicken is done, or until you can no longer keep your husband out of it (about 30 min). Throw the sausage in at nearly the last minute.

Besides using the most paleo-friendly thickener, the only other thing that makes it paleo/primal is the lack of rice. Easy.

Also, it's been declared the new house favorite. (Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for that, I'm sick to death of making Chicken Saag!)

Steak Pizzaiola

Steak - pizza maker's style. I've made this a few times over the years, and always felt it was pretty mediocre. You know, good. Not great. Unacceptable.

Since it really is a paleo dish on it's own with no changes at all needed, it really needed to be perfected so that I could add it to our list of yummy-healthy meals.

I finally got it right. It's been officially declared "The Best Ever" by the beast, so I guess I better take down some notes!

The recipe I have always used has you brown the steaks in a skillet, then add the rest of the crap. I have never managed to accomplish this without the meat being too tough. So this time, I grilled the steaks to about medium-rare, then set them aside while I worked on the sauce. I don't like it to be a super herby pasta-style sauce. I just brown some onions and bell peppers in olive oil, add minced garlic, then canned diced tomatoes. Add salt and pepper to taste, then a little basil and parsley. That's it. Don't go crazy with tons of oregano and dill and thyme etc. Simmer until the tomatoes start to break apart.

Slice the steaks into thin strips and add them in for just the last few minutes of simmering. The meat was super cut-it-with-a-fork tender and the whole thing was spectacular.